Hello, year 2107!
I do hope you are all jolly well.
My name is Abigail Stock.
I've been chosen to make this video and put a few things in this time capsule
to tell you all what life was like in the year 2007.
This is a copy of Handel's Messiah, in which I sung alto at a concert last year.
I'm putting this in because whatever happens in the future,
I hope that there'll still be music,
because a world without music would be like...
a summer without Pimms.
Or games of pooh sticks.
So if music gets wiped away by global warming or something,
here's the answer.
'This is a raspberry Juicy Tube.
'It's what everyone in the 21st century uses to make their lips shiny and kissable.'
A boy I met the other day, Tony, horny as fuck, told me he liked the taste.
So I'm putting it in so that you can all attract yummy boys.
Oh, don't worry. I've just bought ten more tubes.
'Since this box and video are going to be, like, totally sealed,
'I thought I'd let you know that life in 2007
'is sometimes a bit fun and naughty as well.'
Yeah, you know, we like to have a smoke,
listen to grime on pirate radio.
This last one's a bit harder for me.
I've had him since birth.
But if one person deserves to go to the future...
...it's Rufus.
CHOIRBO Y SINGS PENITENTIAL ANTHEM
Goodbye, sweet Rufus.
OK, that's it from me.
I hope you've learnt something about my time.
I wish you peace, love and prosperity.
Come on. Is it working?
97...
98...
99...
100.
Oh.
Hello, ladies.
Wa gwan?
My name's Anwar and...
...as you can see, I'm into looking after my body.
No. But I ain't shallow.
It's not just about the looks and the... fresh clothes and the loads of money.
No, there's more to Anwar Kharral than that.
I like poetry...
...flowers...
...the starving children in Africa.
I love that shit.
MOBILE PHONE PLAYS CHEESY TUNE
Sorry. Sorry about this, ladies. Excuse me.
Cheryl. Cheryl, look.
It wouldn't be right.
You're married to Ashley Cole right now.
I've gotta respect that.
Come on, don't cry. Don't beg!
Look, I can't lay some of that... sweet halal loving on you no mo'.
Shh.
I'll give you a bell sometime.
I'm so sorry about that.
Some people just... can't let go.
Anyway. I want a girl that can be my world, my moon, my stars, my...
...Jupiter.
Plus, if you've got bit b...
...brains, then...
...we can have some good... conversations... and stuff.
So, I live in Bristol and... I've got a young person's railcard, so...
it'll be well cheap for me to come and visit you, wherever you are.
As long as you're proper buff, yeah?
I don't mind mingers, but... I won't leave Bristol for them.
MOBILE PHONE PLAYS CHEESY TUNE
No! Maxxie... We've already done the Cheryl Tweedy thing - you can't ring twice!
If you're watching this, then I'm already dead.
Wow! Just joking, Dr Stock!
So this is my face.
This is my other face.
This is my name.
And this is my therapy video.
Abracadabra!
Wow!
I like boys on swings and girls on skateboards.
I like babies in high chairs.
I like pharmaceutical medicine wrappers.
I like people in hats with big eyebrows.
I like people in hats with big eyebrows and big moustaches.
I like water caught in spiders' webs.
I like wearing all my clothes at once.
I like people who don't smile.
Ever.
And I like people who smile.
I like hair that goes on and on.
I love food!
Today, Ainsley,
I've brought some things for the cook to cook!
Oh.
In some ways, I love everything.
It's less, less of a thing then, like, less distinct, less particular.
I like things that I like but I love everything.
There's more choice in, like...
Even the worst things have things to love in them.
I love things so much, I feel I can float away.
That's wrong.
My mum understands how to float every day.
I don't understand that so much.
I don't know what you mean about things I hate.
I hate shoes.
I hate people who change their voices when they say something important.
I hate my thighs.
I hate war.
I hate swimming costumes that cling.
I hate dripping taps.
But I also sort of love dripping taps.
I hate invitations.
I hate radiators.
I hate this.
Wow. Sorry, Dr Stock.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
The greatest distance ever walked by a person
continuously balancing a milk bottle on their head
is 80.96 miles by Ashrita Furman of New York, USA, around Victory Field track,
Forest Park, Queens, April 22nd through to April 23rd 1998.
It took him 23 hours 35 minutes to complete the walk.
That's a world record.
And it's one of 14 Ashrita holds.
He is a hero.
He's immortal.
And this is my chance to join him in the Valhalla of world records.
The world record for the most number of socks worn at once is 71.
Ashrita, this is for you, man.
One. We're away!
16.
Looks bit odd, innit?
22?
No...
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...
22. It was definitely 22.
I can't...
22... The record's 71! How am I gonna...
HE SIGHS
Ashrita. I've let you down, man.
Ow!
Hello?
Ambulance, please.
Yeah, hi, um... My name's Chris Miles and, um, I put 22 socks on my right foot
and now it's... Well, I can't feel anything and it really hurts.
So I don't...
What?
No, don't...
This country is going right down the tubes, man.
The longest-ever recorded balance on one foot was 76 hours 14 minutes
by Arulanantham Suresh Joachim,
a Sri Lankan, at Vihara Maha Devi Park Open Air Stadium in Sri Lanka.
He started on May 22nd and he finished on May 27th.
People watched him do it.
It became like a spectator thing, a sport.
That is a world record.
He's a hero.
Arulanantham, I salute you.
Bollocks!
DISTORTED VOICE WHISPERS
It's 8.30. I was supposed to be meeting Michelle... 45 minutes ago.
We're supposed to be going out tonight to the '70s student night
to show the uni kids our new dance moves -
the hustle, the bump, the horny Chihuahuas, Saturday night fiver.
Wasn't gonna know what hit them.
Unfortunately, my "so called" best friend is still licking the remaining few layers of skin
off Tony's tongue.
The queue's gonna be massive.
We may as well not bother.
Still, though, uni boys.
One or two of them may be mature enough to chat to.
It's not that I've got anything against men,
I've just never met one.
I mean, there's Tony, who even if Michelle hadn't surgically attached herself to him,
isn't my type.
Maxxie... Gay.
Chris...
Plus, he's mental.
Anwar...
SHE LAUGHS
He's adorable, but he's a bit like one of those dogs that hump your leg -
a bit mucky.
And Sid.
I think he can be summed up by the fact that he left his...
...round my house the other week.
It's a collectable, apparently.
Ugh!
Ooh, Nips, I wanna suck your face.
Ooh, Tony, I love you.
Mwah.
This one time... at band camp...
I'm leaving. I'm definitely leaving.
SHE INHALES AND EXHALES
SHE SNORES
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
(Michelle) Jal.
We're supposed to be going out.
Oh, thanks for turning up.
SHE SIGHS
Come on.
- Michelle! - Sorry.
So... I've heard quite a lot about this intraweb thing that everyone keeps banging on about.
Apparently, you can chat to people you don't even know,
buy books and do something called a google.
I don't know what that is but it sounds filthy.
Anyway, since it's raining and none of my prospects are returning my texts,
I thought I'd make a video for you lovely cyber-surfers out there,
you know, to watch, that isn't to do with any dwarfs and horses and...
putting things in places they don't belong.
Tut, tut, tut.
HE MIMES: We are the chipmunks, chipmunks are we
We live in the woods a happy family
We sing and we dance
We dance and we play
So come along and join the fun every single day
Oh, we are the chipmunks
Chipmunks are we
We live in the woods
A happy family
We sing and we dance
We dance and we play
So come along and join the fun
Every single day
Happy, we're so happy
We're happy and we're free
We like to skip
We like to jump
Skip and jump with me
Skip and jump with me-e-e-e-e-e
Are you ready?
We are the chipmunks
Chipmunks are we
We live in the woods
A happy family
We sing and we dance
We dance and we play
So come along and join the fun
Every single day
Oh
PARTY POPPERS EXPLODE
- See, you'll watch anything. - I know!
JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
Hey. So I've literally had hundreds of e-mails this week asking me about my clothes.
So I've decided to devote this episode of Michelle Explains It All to fashion.
'OK, the key look here is the all-important
"Please, please give me an extension on my essay" outfit.
'You're trying to tell people that you're studious, but also that you're...'
(Seductively)... awfully, awfully worried about getting it exactly right.
You just want to do your very, very best.
You know?
'OK, this look is good for going to the front of the queue, avoiding the ID minefield
'and convincing the bouncer that they really are just little aspirins.'
The trick is to make sure that they're looking at your tits, not at your face.
'This is look is good for meeting the parents for the first time,
'big family functions etc.
'What you're saying is, "Yes,
"I am sleeping with your son but he's my first and I really hope we'll stay together for ever."
Except your grandma. To grandmothers, this look says,
"I love it when little kittens play with balls of wool."
This one's a bit special.
It says, "Of course we're only going to the cinema,
"annoying and overbearing yet easily convinced parental figure."
But with a few adjustments...
...and we've got Tony's old favourite.
"Buy me a drink and I'll show you how limber I really am."
Now, you must excuse me. I'm late for a very important date.
SHE BLOWS A KISS
< Bye, Mum. Just off to the cinema.
MAN CLEARS THROAT
Huh? Huh? What... What's going on?
Oh. Oh, um...
The video for Grandpa's birthday.
Um... Er...
Hello, Grandfather. Hello, Grandmother.
I hope you're getting on awfully well.
(More?)
Um... I hope the weather is clement
and Grandmother's bunions isn't troubling her...
What? What? Sorry! Sorry!
We do not speak of Grandmother's bunions?
Sorry.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
What d'you say, blood? House party, man?
I'll link you. I'll soon come, yeah, I swear...
I'll bell you back, blood. Bless, bless.
HE SIGHS
I know, I know.
Poor vocabulary reflects poor thought.
So school is great fun.
As well as being an awful lot of hard work.
Obviously, I'm disappointed not to be following in Dad's footsteps
in St Withingtons but... that ain't me.
I don't want to be some pussyo that ain't rippin' for the street
man gotta rep his ends. What, man, Grandpa is feeling what...
Do I have to?
Not the dance, Dad. Not the dance.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over the candlestick
Jack jumped high, Jack jumped low
Jack bent over and burnt his toe.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, trim that fanny to that... blah-h-h...
(Sid) 'Cometh the hour, cometh the man.'
For the past three months, I've been getting ponged on Online Destructathon
by a guy called "Wallothet" from Denmark.
So I've been through the chatrooms.
I've done the research. I've put in the effort.
Work hard.
No rewards are obvious.
I'm gonna show how we do it in the West Country.
He's Danish bacon.
(Sid) Wallothet. Hi.
Yes, well, I think Princess Kwaku is very much looking forward to me rescuing her today.
I think she might even have a little surprise for me.
COMPUTER BEEPS
What d'you mean, what about Michelle? How d'you know about...
COMPUTER BEEPS
I can't remember telling you that...
She's my best mate's girlfriend, yeah.
Who's my best mate?
His name's Tony.
Yeah, he is a pretty great guy, I guess.
Oh, yes...
Didn't like that, did you, Wallothet?
Uh.
Princess Kwaku, you are my bitch.
Ah...
Come on. Come on...
Yesl
That's not possible. How'd you...?
How did you do that? That's impossible!
What d'you mean, answer my phone? My phone's not ringing...
PHONE RINGS
Tony. Oh, thank God you've called. That gimp just whupped me again.
Oh.
Oh, for God sakes, Tony! Three months.
Three fucking months.
Where did you learn how to do that Danish accent from, anyway?
No, I didn't video it.
No, I didn't.
No, we're not watching it.
Right, I'll see you in ten minutes.
BUBBLE GUM POPS
Hi. I'm 16 years old, six foot something, and my name's Tony.
This is where I live.
It's got pretty much everything I need -
friends to amuse me,
girls to fuck me,
parents to feed me. The essentials.
I would tell you more about myself, but... I'd just sound like I'm boasting cos, you know.
I'm fucking awesome.
'This is where I hang out. College Green.'
You can pick up weed there, walk to college,
have a few laughs watching the skaters fall over.
It's a pretty decent spot.
You ever seen Apocalypse Now?
It's nothing like that. But we're working on it.
This is my girlfriend.
'Her name's Michelle.
'I call her Nips, on account of her funny nipples.'
She doesn't like that. But she's a good girl, really.
Fucking sexy, too.
But I needn't tell you. You've got eyes.
'This is my best mate.
'His name is Sid.'
We're like birds of a feather.
But he's the fat one.
I think there's a chance that his parents raised the afterbirth instead of the baby.
Sometimes, when I wonder why I keep him around,
I have to remember Nietzsche...
"The man of knowledge must be able to not only love his enemies,
"but hate his friends."
'This is Chris.
'He's a bit...'
Well, a bit Chris.
He'll give you the shirt off his back one minute
and then ten seconds later rob your asthma medication for something to snort.
'Jal. A musician.
'A bit feisty.'
I try and keep my eye on that one.
Anwar's next.
'He's a Muslim, but he drinks'
and he's the only one of us to get caught burking off in class.
Twice.
'And I was best mates with Maxxie.'
He's a bit new. He's a bit cool. He's a bit gay.
A vital part of the group.
Right. That's about it.
Remember. Conscience is but a word that cowards use.
Shakespeare wrote that.
So it must be true.